Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Surprise update!

The blog lives! Mostly because I've discovered it's more fun to write in a blog than it is to write papers for work...

So, turns out it's been a while since I've written anything here. Instead of explaining to you why it's been so long (here's a hint though, it involves an elephant, 4 of the 5 great lakes, an escalator, and an asteroid), I thought I'd just update you on the most important things that have happened in the last little while.

I think the most important thing I have done since my last post was to become more prepared for the future. My roommates and I have begun creating a stash of food in case of an emergency. The two most likely emergencies being (1) we all lose our jobs and our identities in an action packed, thrilling story of betrayal, love, loss, and espionage or (2) mutant zombie vampire were-creatures from the black abyss of an alien planet take over the world (This story is actually less action packed than the first, though it surprisingly has more love and espionage). Anyways, the point is, we have some food stored away for either scenario, or any other (less likely) emergency that may occur. This food consists of 25 pounds of hot chocolate powder and two pounds of cold cereal marshmallows. We could live for...well...at most a week off of this stuff. And man what a week it would be!

This is what food storage was meant to look like. My only fear is that by posting this online, millions of people will storm our apartment to try to take our food storage from us. Try it. Just you try it. We'll be ready for you. No one's stealing even one pound of our precious hot chocolate.

Well...that's about it. Now you're updated on all the important events from the last 8 months of my life! I left out the stories that seemed less important, like my near death experience jumping from a burning building into streets flooded by a tsunami caused by a nearby volcano eruption, as well as my failed arranged marriage with the daughter of a Thai mafia mob boss. In comparison to the 25 pounds of hot chocolate powder and the discovery that I can bulk order cold cereal marshmallows online...those stories just didn't seem nearly as exciting.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Mountain top guru

There are many roles out there that I think I could really pull off quite well: action movie star, world ruler, billionaire, Ninja Warrior competitor (tv show ninja warrior, though I feel I could pull off a pretty good ninja too), Indiana Jones type of archaeologist, and the list goes on. High up on that list though, of things I was pretty much born to do, is to be a mountain top guru.
Step one to becoming a mountain top guru: select a mountain. I've got this one picked out. It's a pretty sturdy mountain, nice view, and it's a solitary peak so you don't have problems with guru neighbors, which can always be quite the hassle. I feel pretty good about it.

The life of a mountain guru is simple. You sit on the top of a mountain, ponder life's mysteries, and give advice to those that come seeking it. It's a nice, simple way of life, and who doesn't want a straightforward life? I can sit, I can ponder, and I am always more than willing to give people advice that they need...I really am made for this. Here's how I imagine it would go.

Step two is also very important, and many gurus overlook it. You need to select a comfy chair. I mean, the job has a lot of sitting involved, and even when you're doing all that pondering, you're still typically sitting. A nice, comfy chair is a must for that, and if there's a foot rest with it too, all the better.

There I would be, sitting peacefully on the mountain top (I'd have a full beard, as I understand that to be important to mountain gurus), and a poor, tired soul would come, dragging themselves up the last leg of the mountain hike. After catching their breath, they would look at me, tears in their eyes, and tell me their life story. They would tell me of how hard they tried at everything in their life, and yet, things haven't really seemed to pan out. They would ask me, desperation in their voice, "Why can't I succeed?". I would look back at them, with my cool, sagely stare, wisdom clearly shining through my eyes, and I would comfort them, saying "Friend, there are different kinds of people in this life. There are some people that don't, and there are some people that can't. You just can't." Their eyes would light up, as they pondered my sage words and realized, it's not that they aren't giving it their best, it's that their best isn't good enough. They weren't failing because they didn't try hard enough, they were failing solely because they simply were unable to do it. They didn't lack effort, they lacked ability. A weight would be taken from their hearts, and clouds would disperse from their mind, and the trip back down the mountain would drift by like a dream. Yup...I really think I would be a good mountain top guru. If it weren't for the fact that I get it for free whenever I want, I would definitely crawl on my hands and knees over jagged rocks, climbing perilous cliffs, and wading through 10 feet of snow, just to be able to listen to my advice.